When We Have to Normalize Missing People

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One day I knew someone.

She was my bestfriend and I remembered we were sharing sugars after school time. I remembered we were laughing at something now I barely could call what it was.

I remembered most days we would spend time at her home while my mom got to work. I even knew her grandma and there was no strange feeling being in her room. Her small room next to the living room.

We were so naive thinking we'd be bestest friends til the day we die.

Kindergarten ended and turned out we were wrong.

And I had to let us go different way. What else could I do? I knew nothing back then.

Later on I found myself a new friend.

She was the sweetest. Sometimes she acted like my older sister and I kinda like it. I was always an only child at home that time.

I remembered playing around her big house which has a garage shop and sometimes it smelled like a fainted oil.

She was the kindest I remembered she visited me in the hospital when I had an appendectomy. I spent almost 10 days in the hospital and she came and cried beside my bed. She said my face looked like real pain and I was thinner. And she was only 8 years old.

But then I had to move out of the city and so I had to let her go. We promised to keep calling but I guessed life had its special way to keep us busy bees.

One other day I knew some people.

We called each other best friends. We did all girl friends did at our age. 

We gossiped. We sneaked out. We cried. And laughed a lot. Talking about boys and songs.

We loved each other, and also we crushed others who kinda mean to us.

Bit brutal but it was a good time.

But then as they say, teenage moments were only a blink and it won't last. Not a boy or girlfriend. And sometimes not even close friends.

We went separate way. I couldn't help. You just did. You can't stay the same track with your friends forever, right?

Starting college I figured out some friends.

Most of the times we joked around. Like a lot. We enjoyed our time like we didn't have 99 problems to carry on.

But the weird thing happened, even me couldn't call it anymore, what was it? Is it normal just to split up even when you're still in the same place?

Honestly I didn't know what was going on with us. I just remembered they met someone they believed as their other halves. But I had not. 

So I guessed the time had come for me to once again let my friends go.

But funny thing did happened.

At some later days, I met people I trusted them as my close friends. Some of them were familar faces while others were new ones.

We met almost everyday for classes though we were not always in the same room.

But we were making it work. Feeling big enough to call ourselves adolescence. Going out til the morning came. Spending birthdays with parties or sleepovers. Sharing junk foods or eating decent dish one at a time. Go for a long drive or just watching midnight movies.

We had none but one another. And what we shared was leveled up compared to my last friendships. Secrets and stories. Whatever kept us sane as a college students.

I thought as you grow older, you'd figure out how to keep thing like this steady and unshakable. But then everyone graduated and left.

And life's playing its game on us. We were so lost in each journey finding a job we never had good chance to talk anymore. Now that I've been thinking. I kinda forgot what started it, but then we caught up again as soon as we were settled as employee.

It was nice. It always felt good for having someone or some people who knew you in the past. It almost felt grounded. They kind of remind you of who you were before what you are today.

But what things could be lasted forever? Not even a friendship you thought it would.

I guessed what ended our happy convo moments were many things. No, we are not closing the doors forever. We still talk sometimes, only not for long. I think I always knew when people want to end something but they just couldn't make themselves said it.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I am tired with all the ping pong nonsense. I think about how people have to wear their mask and pretending everything is okay. Like, a lot. I always tell myself that not everything is about me. It's not that they tired of me or something. I tend to tell myself that. I know that they have other life's calls. But hey guess what? Yeah me too dude.

I always believe if you want to make it work, you have to do it both parties. You cannot just ignore one and hoping other will answer to you next time you mean it.

It occurs to me that I want to spit it out. Like, if you really want to end this, just get it done and not hiding or waiting others to say it for you.

You kinda knew what felt wrong, even they said life goes on and people have to move on.

I think it is exactly what summed up all of my ended friendships.

Back then I was always like to share past moments with my friends. But someone said that why did I do that? Was I living in the past or something? Come on it's not healthy.

I think about it a lot. 

I think I always knew this fact. But deep down like I said, I guessed I always like it having people who knew me first, are still around me. It kept me grounded or something. I guessed I just scared when they left me. With whom I can share my memories with? Will I grow old forgetting how and whats I was back then?

But really. I have to learn how to let people go. My one friend once said to me that, we can not make people stay unless it is what they want. You just can't. Else you'll have dead plants.

So when it is time for me to let my friends go, I think I just have to normalize this. After all, people come and go, but the best one will always stay. I think I can learn living with it.